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Are broken people jealous?

 In 2012, I lost my paternal grandmother. 


She was suffering from Cancer for 2+ years. I have seen how difficult it was for her to swallow food. Even a new minor pain could trigger her fear of death. During her last days she could have food only through a tube that was inserted in her nose. 


Since my childhood I’ve seen her only as a confident woman (she is confident even when she might be wrong LOL). I used to play a lot of games with her, both of us end up cheating each other and I’ll complain to mom regarding this. Even I used to roast my grandma a lot. Everyday there will be some sort of fight with my grandma. For easy understanding you can call our relationship like the ‘Tom & Jerry’ one.


But the few years after her death, it was difficult for me to accept that she is no more. You don’t grieve on a consistent basis. One day you will be happier and suddenly the happy memories with her will strike and go on a break down.  There were multiple breakdowns, like I used to cry to dad that I want her. 


When I saw people happy with their grandparents it made me feel ‘I wish my maternal grandparents are alive now’. I didn’t feel like I wanted my paternal grandma back, though she is the one I loved and created more memories with. 


Maternal grandparent’s death happened way more earlier in my childhood and I don't have many memories with them. Also, I haven’t seen them struggle and I have always seen them only HAPPY.


Coming to paternal grandma.


Somewhere it felt nice. It felt nice that she no more needs to struggle to have food. She no longer needs to fight with the fear of death. She no longer needs to feel the pain. She no longer needs to have a tube fixed in her nose to have food. 


It felt nice that she is out of the suffering and somewhere peacefully fighting with someone in heaven  (lol).


Do I envy my paternal grandma’s presence? I don't know the answer. But I feel good that she is not suffering. If she was alive she might be struggling even now, who knows. 



Now let’s get in the topic.


ARE BROKEN PEOPLE JEALOUS?


Relationship breakups are often considered to be something bad. Yes it is bad for someone to go through something bad, but is break up a bad thing on a whole?


Some might have gone through a similar situation I mentioned above. In my grandma’s case I was missing her good health and confident self more than I was missing ‘HER’.


Similarly some might have lost mental peace during a relationship and they might have broken that cycle and came out. Do you think they envy all the happy relationships around them? 


WRONG!!!


They envy their old self. They envy what they lost in that relationship. 


CLARIFYING, THEY DON’T ENVY ANYTHING OUT OF THEM. THEY ARE JEALOUS OF THEIR OWN HAPPY SELF.


A person who came out of a stressful cycle doesn’t envy the environment that gave them that cycle. So, if a person lost their mental peace in a relationship and walked out of it, they don’t envy that relationship or any relationship surrounding them. THEY ENVY THEIR MENTAL PEACE. 


So, what you think someone lost is not always the thing they actually lost or envying. 



PS: some spelling or grammar mistakes might be there because didn't edit 😷

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